The REAL story
by morgy
Summary: for the crazy, morbid and sick-minded. moo
1. Prologue

Prologue to The Real Story  
  
Harry opened his eyes. In front of him appeared the snitch. He tried to grab it but missed. A hand flew at his face and he dodged it. Dumbledore lowered his hands and surveyed Harry through his half-moon glasses. 'It is time,' he said, 'for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry. Please sit down. I am going to tell you everything.' 


	2. bedlamchaosconfusionwateva

Nothing to say for ourselves or this story, other than we probably should be locked up in a mental institution or something...  
  
Well, here we go....  
  
_____________________________________________________________________  
  
Harry was sitting alone one night. And along came Sirius.  
  
Sirius: "I love you Harry"  
  
Harry: "I know, that's why you're my godfather"  
  
Sirius shook his head and moved closer.  
  
Sirius: "No, I mean I love you."  
  
Harry looked away in disgust. Sirius stood next to him and put his arm around Harry.  
  
Sirius: "C'mon Harry, I know you can feel it too"  
  
Harry: "But how did you find out? I never told anyone..."  
  
Sirius: "I'm your soul mate, I know these things"  
  
Dumbledore burst through the door.  
  
Dumbly: "Harry, I have something really important to tell you" "I'm pregnant and it's going to be a boy" he smiled maternally.  
  
Harry: "Errr...."  
  
Dumbly: "I'm so glad you're going to be there for me and the baby. He will be born into a stable family"  
  
Sirius: *cough*  
  
Dumbly: "Oh... hi Sirius"  
  
Sirius: "But your Harry's father Dumbledore!"  
  
Dumbly: "Shh.... you just want to get back at me for breaking your heart"  
  
Suddenly Dumbledore's waters broke.  
  
Dumbly: "Ahhhh! My waters broke!"  
  
Harry and Sirius: "We noticed.."  
  
Out came something that looked like a baby with cat eyes and reptile skin.  
  
Sirius: "VOLDEMORT!"  
  
Voldy: "VOLDEMORT!" (It was learning to talk)  
  
Harry turned towards Dumbledore.  
  
Harry: "I am the father of my father???!!!"  
  
Voldy: "NO!! My past self is the father of myself now"  
  
Dumbly: "Oh I understand now... It must have been that night in the pub with the guy in black with the hood"  
  
Sirius: "Harry, phew I knew you wouldn't do this to me. We should go outside and finish that conversation we were having before" *wink* *wink*  
  
Sirius put his arm around Harry and steered him away. They both left Dumbledore to become accustomed to the idea that he had given birth to something really ugly.  
  
Voldemort stared at Dumbledore. He ripped off his face and underneath was Darth Vader's head.  
  
*hacking sound*  
  
Darth Vader: "I.....ccccc...AM....cccc.....YOUR.....ccccc.....FA......ccc.....THER"  
  
Dumbly: "You're not my father. It can't be!" *rips off face* "I am Tom Cruise"  
  
Darth Vader rips off face and realises it wasn't a mask.  
  
Darth Vader: "Aaargh. My face!", i.e. metal mask.  
  
Meanwhile...outside....  
  
Harry: "What were we talking about again?" (Innocently)  
  
Sirius starts feeling Harry.  
  
Sirius: "C'mon Harry!"  
  
Harry: "But...."  
  
Sirius rips off face. Blonde hair can be seen.  
  
Harry: "Oh Malfoy!" *squeals*  
  
But 'Malfoy' rips off his face. It is really Sirius. Sirius: "I knew you didn't love me" *slap*  
  
In the distance.... Joren saw far in the distance a glimpse of Malfoy. Bolting on his horse with a lance, he arrived at the scene.  
  
Joren: "Oh Malfoy, my love!!! Noooooo! What did you do to him?"  
  
Confused looks on Harry and Sirius' faces. Joren ripped off Sirius' face but it was not a mask. Sirius collapsed.  
  
Sirius: *ripped off bloody mask* "Just joking!"  
  
Neville: "HAVE YOU SEEN MY TOAD???????? Oh Trevor, there you are my love!" *kiss* *kiss*  
  
Toad turns into Prince Jonathan with horse.  
  
Neville and Jon ride away into the sunset. 


	3. righteyohthen

NIGHTTIME  
  
Sirius turned into Padfoot. He started to sniff Harry and licked him in strange places.  
  
Harry: "Oh. What a cute doggy"  
  
Harry didn't realise that the dog was Padfoot because it was dark.  
  
Sirius turned back into Sirius the man because he could not control his desire.  
  
Harry: "Sirius, how could you?"  
  
Sirius: "Easily" *kept licking him*  
  
Harry turned away in disgust. He left.  
  
Sirius: "Oh" and he departed.  
  
MORNING  
  
Harry, Ron, Viktor, Joren and Malfoy (along with other Hogwarts students) were taking a potion class with Snape.  
  
Harry did not have a seat.  
  
Ron: "Harry, you can sit on my lap" (eagerly)  
  
Harry: "No, I want to sit on Viktor's lap"  
  
Viktor: "I'll sit on your lap, Ron"  
  
Snape: "Where did Viktor come from???" *confused*  
  
Viktor: "I followed Ron here"  
  
Ron turned away in disgust.  
  
Snape to Joren: "And where did you come from?"  
  
Joren: "A land far, far away called Tortall. But I followed Malfoy here.  
  
Joren to Malfoy: "My love, I saw you in the distance but it wasn't you. I'm glad I've found you again"  
  
Malfoy: "I think I could love you....."  
  
Joren: "Lets go to the room at the end of the third floor corridor"  
  
Malfoy: "OK" Snape: "This is excellent" *did excellent hand thing*  
  
NIGHT  
  
Viktor was out of the room. Harry and Ron were sleeping next to each other without realising.  
  
Ron: "Harry?"  
  
Harry: "Viktor?"  
  
Harry and Ron snuggled up, Harry not having realised that "Viktor" is Ron. They start making out.  
  
Ron: "Harry"  
  
Harry: "Viktor"  
  
Ron: "Harry"  
  
Harry: "Viktor"  
  
Shadow in corner: "I like this"  
  
MEANWHILE.....  
  
Malfoy and Joren were making out in the room at the end of the third floor corridor, not realising that Fluffy and Fang were also there getting it on. (Animal passion).  
  
Snape hurried towards the room.  
  
Snape: "Ewwww- animals?" and ran out of the room.  
  
Snape: "Oh, I'll have to create my own satisfaction" Locked himself in office.  
  
Groans could be heard coming from the room. 


	4. The love triangle and the pervert

Sirius hurried along the corridor searching for Harry's classroom. He bumped into Harry and friends outside the dungeon. (Sirius is in dog form).  
  
Sirius: "Harry, there you are"  
  
Harry: "Don't touch me!"  
  
Sirius started to speak but was interrupted by Filch and Mr Norris.  
  
Filch: "I know there are children somewhere, Mr Norris, I can just feel it"  
  
Harry and friends: "What happened to Mrs Norris??"  
  
Filch: "THERE YOU ARE!"  
  
Filch: "Oh. and it's not Mr Norris anyway. It never was..."  
  
Filch was ashamed that he was gay and also in love with an animal so he had kept it secret all these long years by calling the cat Mr Norris.  
  
Mr Norris: "It is Mr Norris thankyou very much"  
  
Mr Norris: "Oh who are you???" Mr Norris had spotted Sirius as Padfoot.  
  
Sirius (flirting): "Snuffles, actually"  
  
Mr Norris: "Rrraugh" *with claws*  
  
Sirius turned back into a man.  
  
Harry (hopefully): "So Sirius, you were only playing with me after all??"  
  
Sirius: "No, I love you Harry, how could you think that?"  
  
Harry: "Well you seemed pretty cosy with Mr Norris"  
  
Sirius (wailing): NO! It's not supposed to be like this- I'm in love with two men"  
  
Mr Norris: "Men?"  
  
Harry: "Well you don't have to love me, I don't want you"  
  
Sirius (pointing to Mr Norris): "OK, I'll have him then"  
  
Harry(pointing to Viktor): "And I'll have him"  
  
Viktor looked away in disgust.  
  
Viktor (pointing to Ron): "I want him"  
  
Ron looked away in disgust.  
  
Ron (pointing to Harry): "I want him"  
  
Harry looked away in disgust.  
  
Snape: "This is GOOD"  
  
Filch: "Nooooooooo! I'll have to live alone the rest of my life now that Mr Norris got with that.. that..THING!" *spat*  
  
Marvin: "You could live with me??"  
  
Filch: "OK then"  
  
And they skipped off into the sunset.if that is possible. 


	5. Mass orgy

While Snape was at it, Tom Cruise/ Dumbledore and Voldy/ Darth Vader were in the same room. They watched in amusement and enjoyment.  
  
Darth Vader turned to Tom.  
  
Darth: "I love you son" *song plays "Saying something stupid like I love you"*  
  
Tom turned away in disgust. His face fell off. Underneath is Dom.  
  
Neal and Cleon were struggling in Dom's body to win Kel over. (Similar to Cole in charmed).  
  
Darth to Dom: "I like you"  
  
*make out scene*  
  
Snape finally stopped doing his thing and turned to watch Dom and Darth.  
  
Snape: "Ooh. I like this"  
  
Darth Vader and Dom's movement was so hard against the floor they fell through the floor to the room below on top of Ron and Harry who were also making out. Snape was pulled in by the caved-in room.  
  
Snape: "Ooh. I like this"  
  
From the room with Fluffy and fang and Malfoy and Joren they heard the crash.  
  
Running topless they went to help.  
  
They found Harry, Ron, Dom and Darth. They watched Darth breathing heavily amongst the mass orgy.  
  
Darth: "I.ccc..am.ccc..dying.cc..from.ccc.asthma..cccccc...orgy..cccc...exerting..c cc..too.cc.c.much.cccc..breath..ccc"  
  
Darth Vader died in the midst of the orgy. Everyone stopped as Dom cried out in agony.  
  
Dom: "Nooooooooooooo!"  
  
Joren leapt at this chance to get close to Darth Vader his idol.  
  
Joren: "Mouth to mouth resucitation!"  
  
They all lunged at Darth to give him mouth to mouth.  
  
They all tumbled around in rough play, Snape in the corner, watching.  
  
Snape: "Oooh.. I like this"  
  
Viktor returned.  
  
Viktor: "I have resolved my problems and I will settle for Harry", *sob*  
  
He then realised that everyone was on top of everyone else.  
  
He turned away in disgust.  
  
Sobbing, he uncontrollably was drawn to the mass orgy.  
  
Sirius returned as Sirius with Mr Norris in his hands.  
  
Sirius: "Oh my!"  
  
He couldn't wait to join in.  
  
Eventually there was a mass orgy of Ron, Harry, Viktor, Sirius, Dom, Fluffy, Joren, Mr Norris, Malfoy, Fang and a dead Darth Vader with Snape in the corner.  
  
The door opened suddenly. In entered Cho Chang.  
  
There was a deep intake of breath from everyone.  
  
Everyone (screaming): "A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
And they all died from shock.  
  
Cho Chang: "No, actually." 


	6. I like to watch

Cho Chang stood looking at the mass of dead bodies in an orgy.  
  
In the silence there was a deep hacking noise, "ccccc..Well.ccccccc.that...ccccc.was..ccccc...satisfying.."  
  
DARTH VADAR RETURNS! "Who's there?" asks Cho. "Darth Vadar?! You're my idol!" Darth Vadar turns away in disgust. "I only like my fans who are men" "But I am a man" "oh, that's ok then." . In the corner there was a dark figure, "I like this" He steps forward, "Please continue, don't take any notice of me" So Cho and Darth Vadar get it on.  
  
Cleon and Neal finally break out of Dom's body, "Kel's mine!" screams Cleon "You mean MINE!" wails Neal Cleon shrugs, "does'nt matter, he looks hot!" he points at Snape. Snape blushes "Actually, I prefer being alone, but you two can have fun.I like watching"  
  
Neville returns out of the sunset. "He dumped me off his horse..nooooooooooo! Hello I am a STEGOSAURUS!... Ok, sorry I'm just in an emotional mood and everything, Jon didn't want me, he was fighting with George about their former relationship and he didn't seem to have any time for me in his life!" Neville sobs. "There, there," says George, he had arrived on a donkey, "I know you're feeling jealous.but I love you." "of course you do," says Neville in a matter-of-fact way, "I have a wonderful body" He shows of his parts in a quick , vulgar stripshow. The donkey stands, alone "I want some attention. I am beautiful!" "But I am more beautiful" says Neville, "Let's compare parts". As they compare parts, Neville gets turned on. "I want you Donkey," and he lunges at Donkey. Donkey, who is also horny, lunges at Neville. They collide. Neville who has much stamina was not hurt in the collision. Donkey however was dead. But Neville still horny continued on with Donkey. . Snape watched, "I like this".  
  
Cho and Darth Vadar are getting it on violently. Cho's face falls onto Darth Vadars face, (literally) and underneath Cho's face is Darth Vadar, so the positions are swapped. Suddenly they go into lotus position, "Yay!" cries Cho, "Now I have a man's body!"  
  
Neal and Cleon watch and begin to get excited. In their excitement Neal's sweat makes his face fall off, underneath is Connor, from Neighbours.  
  
"Hello I can't read." he smiles knowingly. "Ewwww. you can't read!" Cleon immediately jumps away, startled. Everyone making out freezes.  
  
"Aaaagh" they scream and run away, including Snape, who usually likes to watch. 


End file.
